so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
