I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
