Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
