I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
