a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
