Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
