i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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