I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
