when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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