last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
