Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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