the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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