dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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