I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
