So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
