The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
