what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
