These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
