Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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