You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
