Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
