I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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