when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
