My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
