I wish I only lived at night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
