checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
