Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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