My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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