It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
