I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
