yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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