Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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