I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
