Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
