I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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