everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
