tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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