I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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