First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize