So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
