Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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