I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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