Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
