Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
