Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize