This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just gift wrapped bread.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
