Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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