she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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