do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
