If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
