Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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