one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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