I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
