Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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