uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
