Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
