How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
