2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Randomize
