I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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