you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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